When my daughter was born, nearly 14 years ago now, I remember rocking her for hours while listening to Kenny Loggins' "Return to Pooh Corner" and a cd called "Sleep Sound in Jesus" given to me by my sister. There is a sweet baby smell and then a distinctive under aroma unique to each baby. Settling into the rocking chair, the colonial I was rocked in as a baby, I would nestle her perfect baby body up against mine and rock..back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The time was so perfect that I would drink up every sound, smell, and feeling, praying to hold on to the moments for as long as humanly possible.
As I write this I am in the air, flying back to Arlington Virginia, and I am without Chris. For the first time I've left him and the RV sitting somewhere where I am not. The 6 am flight meant a beastly early morning rise from our warm bed and near silence as we moved with purpose toward the airport. We both confessed that if we could afford the fee and the time lost to the world waiting for me back in Arlington we would gladly delay my return "home."
I am anxious to see my daughter when I get home. I miss her terribly when I am on the road and as her mother, although the sweet baby smell is no longer there, I still recognize the under aroma of her unique scent and life feels right.
Chris will return to DC five days from now and we are already counting the days. I want the days to speed by quickly. And yet as I was considering this I realized that to speed the days by means that I also speed by the time I have with my growing daughter. The paradox does not escape me that I am caught in the grip of a deep love of two people and being with one may mean not being with the other - at least during the school year.
Last night my friend Mike posted the following to his facebook page "Not everything is Good or Bad - sometimes they just are what they are. If we let go of the judgments we are able to accept what is and see things that we did not see before." When I saw it it I thought about the combination of longing that had me wanting to speed time and freeze time. As if life is about running through the stuff you don't want to focus on just to get to the time you want to be in. Run, run, run, stop. Run, run, run, stop.
I hear my mother's voice in my head admonishing me not to "wish my life away" and I know it's good advice. What I need to do is be okay with the ache in my heart that is there whenever I am not with Chris or not with my daughter. Because I don't want to wish my life away with either of them.
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